It can't seriously have been 5 months since I last wrote here. Where does the time go?

I'm considering taking this blog a different direction from here on out...maybe post all the interesting shit I find in my daily life...in real life and online. I often find things that I think are amusing and things that make me believe that the rest of the world really needs to know about, but then I forget them just as quickly, cuz, as Cheech & Chong would say, my head is like a sieve. (If you don't know what I'm talking about, at least have the decency not to admit it, okay?)

The most interesting thing that's happened in the interim is that I have reconnected with someone that was one of my bestest friends ever, way back in the day. I haven't seen or heard from her in 20 years - I think we were both so anxious to get as far away as possible from our experiences in high school, that we lost track of each other. But wow, I gotta say - she turned out to be a totally kickass chick! She does roller derby (how cool is THAT???) and she's...I dunno...she's just unapologetically who she is. And who she is freakin' rocks! And she's really inspired me to stop being so damned reserved and insecure all the time. I really want to work on being comfortable in my own skin and realizing that it really doesn't matter what other people think cuz (as Bon Jovi or Gwen Stefani would say) it's my life. (Actually, come to think of it, I think the Gwen Stefani song is a remake of some 80s song, but I digress...) I think that events in my life, and my own weakness, have allowed me to believe that there's something wrong with me being just what I am. I've felt for so long that just being me wasn't enough. Wasn't good enough. Wasn't smart enough. Wasn't pretty enough. Wasn't ladylike enough. Wasn't strong enough, fast enough, thin enough, obedient enough, kind enough...I could go on all day. Thing is, I really groove on being around quirky people. I love it when people don't conform. I like the weird, the odd, the unusual, the original, the strange, the goofball, the wacky, and the unique. So why the fuck have I wasted so much energy trying to be anything other than what I am?

I don't know either. Today is the first day of a life spent living out loud.

Oops She Did It Again

My mother, that is.

To say that my mother and I have a long and tortured history together doesn't even begin to cover it. She left when I was 8, came back when I was 18, left again when I was 23 (with 3 days' notice and 1,000 excuses), I found her again when I was 32 and now, after several years of intermittent communication and myriad excuses she's preparing to leave again with only 3 days' notice. (I'm now 38.)

The problem isn't simply that she left those last 2 times. She moved for work when I was 23, but I have to believe that you generally get more than 3 days' notice that you're moving cross country. She had a bunch of excuses for why she didn't tell me sooner and promised to call me with an address as soon as she got settled. Six months later I got a call from her because my grandmother had died, but still no address.

We patched all that up 7 years ago, and I do mean patched. The wounds are obviously still there, but there are many Band-aids slapped over them. We do a delicate dance most of the time and pretend that she hasn't abandoned me repeatedly during my life. Until she drinks and then she alternates between telling me I need to grow up and stop holding grudges and offering weak excuses for why she left me when I was 8 years old.

So today, after not hearing from her for 6 months, she called my husband's cell phone (not mine - can't wait to hear her excuse for that one) and left a voicemail telling him that she and her husband will be leaving for New Mexico on Friday and that she'd love to see us all before they go. Then she sent me an e-mail stating pretty much the same thing, but also adding that the move was very "last minute". I should mention that she lives 4 blocks away from me, so this all could've been done in person if she really wanted to see us that badly, but she will avoid confrontation at ANY cost. I'm not sure what type of job requires you to move thousands of miles with less than a week of notice to secure housing and such, but evidently that's how this is all going down.

When and if I ever get a chance to actually confront her about this latest abandonment, I am sure she will make me seem like the bad guy, since technically she did try to get hold of me. And she'll be completely unable to see any parallels between this time and all the others.

Happy Mother's Day.

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Peace,
Michelle

Menopause can kiss my ass

Y'know, I'm all about empowering women. I get a kick out of joking about serious things and making light of things that scare me. But I have run out of laughs about this one, and I really don't feel very empowered.

I think I'm in menopause. I say "think" because I don't know for sure. I had a partial hysterectomy last August - partial meaning that I kept my ovaries, so I should've been okay for a little while. And like I said, I don't know for sure because I went for blood tests nearly two weeks ago and somehow the estrogen test hasn't come back yet. All the other hormone tests came back okay, but the estrogen is anybody's guess. So I haven't gotten an official diagnosis yet.

All I know is, I haven't felt like myself since I woke up from the surgery. The list of symptoms is a mile long and a lot of it's rather personal, so I won't go into it here. But it seems to affect totally random things like my mental accuity, skin and my ability to be around other human beings for longer than 5 minutes without wanting to scream. It may not be menopause, but if it isn't, then the alternative is insanity.

It's very hard to look ahead of this and see what I have to look forward to after menopause setting in at 38. Mostly I just feel like I'm way too young and really not ready to go through this just yet. And as always, I'm the first of most of my friends to go through this, so nobody can give me much advice on this one.

So if I am testy for the next little while, forgive me. This is all new, frightening territory for me.

Join my swap!

I am hosting a new swap on Swap-bot - the A to Z Journal Swap: Feel free to join and tell your friends!

http://www.swap-bot.com/swap/show/31809

Rainbow photo mosaic

This is my first time ever making a photo mosaic - I gotta say, I think I love it! :) I wanted to try to make one because I am considering hosting a swap on Swap-bot, and I wanted a graphic to coordinate with it. I'm thinking of trying something completely new for me - a whimsy jar swap. I've seen tons of them on Flickr and on Swap-bot, but I've never done a whimsy jar swap myself. It seems like my kind of thing - a glass jar full of all manner of goodies and such. So I'm thinking that the theme for my swap should be a Rainbow Jar. Just seems like a good idea for dreary February days. I'll post more later when I get all the *whimsical* details lined out. :D

Journal Pals - Entry #8 (Feels Like Home)

But in reality, this is the one place on earth that truly felt like home to me. These photos are of my grandparents’ house. My grandparents helped raise me, and for several years, I lived with them. So many of my happy memories in life happened in this house. I have happy memories of helping my grandma pick vegetables in the garden, helping her shell peas and snap green beans, picking strawberries (and eating nearly as many as I picked). My cousins and I spent so many summer nights playing hide and seek and tag in the yard. It probably sounds weird to other people, but we had rotten apple fights in the orchard and played in the cemetery that’s next to their house. When I got older, we had bonfires in the backyard and played waffle ball and Frisbee with my aunts and uncles. Last year, my grandparents had to move out of their house and into an assisted living facility. The house has been up for sale for nearly a year now. I wish that I could buy it and keep it in our family, but there’s no way I could afford the repairs that the house will need. It’s going to be sad when the house sells, but I’ll hold onto my happy memories always.

Journal Pals - Entry #7 - (Gratitude)

Journal Pals Entry #7 – Gratitude

I like the idea of this entry. About 5 years ago, my husband and I decided that we would try to simplify our Thanksgiving celebration a bit. Instead of going from house to house, celebrating with extended family, we would just celebrate here at home with our 3 kids. One of the traditions that we started at that time was to make a list of the things that each of us was grateful for, save it and then share the list the following year to see how our answers had changed. It’s one of our favorite traditions and a special way for us to be sure to remember how much we have to be grateful for.

I am grateful first and foremost, for my family. I am blessed that I have a strong support system right here in my house. My family loves and supports me unconditionally, and I am very grateful for that. My children get along well, which is amazing, and they truly are there for each other. My husband and I have had challenges in our marriage, to be sure, but we are so strong in our love and caring for one another that we don’t worry that the challenges will break us. We all have a lot of fun and laughs together, and we’re there to help each other through the tears, as well.

I am also grateful to still have my parents and two of my grandparents living. My grandmother in particular has had a lot of health problems over the last 20 years, and there have been many times when her doctors warned us that she wouldn’t live much longer, but she has proven them wrong every time. She is a strong, funny, loving woman and I am blessed to have had her in my life for so long.

I’m grateful that I am able to stay home with my kids, even though it’s sometimes a struggle financially. I’ve worked part-time off and on throughout my life, but most of the time, I’ve stayed at home with the kids. Since 1998, we’ve homeschooled our children, so it’s been crucial that I stay at home. We’ve definitely had to do without a lot of luxuries – we don’t have a big, fancy house or brand new cars – but I get a lot of time with my children, and that is more important to me. There will be time for luxuries when they’re older. J

I’m grateful that I am in a better place now than I was 4 or 5 years ago. In 2004, I basically had a nervous breakdown. I was depressed and was at my absolute lowest point ever. Since then I have worked and struggled to get my life back on track and to fight against the depression, and I am proud to say I am happy with my life now. I still have things that I need to work on, and issues that I need to deal with, but I am definitely doing much better than I was only 4 short years ago. I have been through a lot of trauma and sadness in my life, but it hasn’t broken me. I am grateful that I stay optimistic and that I keep fighting, no matter what.

Peace.

- Michelle Frost
“chelle523”

Journal Pals - Entry #6 - (View From My Window)

Journal Pals Entry #6 – View From My Window

My kitchen has a bank of windows all along the back of the house. They let a lot of sunlight into my tiny little kitchen. The windows look out across our backyard, which is a quarter-acre lot filled with black walnut and oak trees. Right now, almost all of the leaves have fallen from these trees and they nearly cover the ground. Our backyard is a haven for squirrels. Many afternoons, I like to stand in the kitchen and watch the squirrels chasing one another between the trees. They play in the leaves and search for walnuts underneath. I love to watch them peel the hulls from the walnuts – they’re so quick at it with their little paws and sharp teeth. I know a lot of people look at squirrels as pests, but they never fail to make me laugh with their antics. We also have families of cardinals and several woodpeckers that live in our trees. We had a really bad windstorm in September, in which a lot of people in our town lost trees in their yards. We were terrified that our trees would fall since they’re so tall (about 70 feet or more) and so close to the house. But we don’t want to cut them down, either. They offer good shade for the backyard and they’re shelter for so many animals! I imagine one day we’ll have to cut them down anyway.

From my kitchen window I can also see reminders of times when my kids were younger. We still have a metal swing set in our backyard with a turquoise toddler swing on it. I can still remember so many times when my oldest son and daughter played on the swing set with their friends. We bought the toddler swing for when my youngest son was born. The older kids (who are now 19 and 16) used to love to push their younger brother (who is 9) in his swing. I can also see the trampoline we bought in 2002 for the kids to play on. They absolutely loved it and there were so many summer days when we’d have a yard full of kids waiting to get on the trampoline with the kids. We had a stepstool right beside the trampoline to help the kids get up on it, and they would often use the bottom step to put a boom box on so they could listen to music while they jumped. The older kids’ favorite thing to do was “launch” their little brother once he got old enough to get on it with them. They’d jump while he stood still and it would launch him into the air. He would laugh so hard he’d be out of breath. I miss those days. Now the two oldest kids are busy with jobs and school, and they don’t have time to play like that. And my youngest seems to have lost interest in those things now that his brother and sister aren’t here to do them with him. It’s sad to see these things, especially with all of summer’s leaves lying all around them. It’s a reminder to me of how things are always changing and how time never stands still for very long.

Journal Pals - Entry #5 (Streaming Thoughts)

This assignment was pretty much to just write your thoughts as they come, and use images as you wish. So the photos above are what I came up with to illustrate the thoughts I was having at the time. And here's the text that goes with the images:

This is my cat, Tangie, dressed as what we call Babushka Kitty. I secretly think she hates us for it, but it’s so cute!
Goddess – well, some days more than others, but overall, yeah…I think there’s a little goddess inside of me.
Charles Nelson Reilly – LOVE “Match Game” reruns and Alec Baldwin’s portrayal of CNR on “SNL” was PRICELESS!
Tim Curry as Dr. Frank N Furter – RAWR! Like a moth to a flame, even though he looks better in fishnets than I do!
Buddha – calming and peaceful. I’d love to see some of the giant statues of him in Asia.
OK Go’s van – picture from a concert I went to with my son in 2006. FANTASTIC!
“Punk’s Not Dead” – it isn’t! It just gets lost in all the glitz and glamour of more commercial music today.
One of my favorite pictures of John Lennon. Patriotism and peace aren’t mutually exclusive. J
I can’t remember the name of this painting but it is so sensual and haunting. The woman’s form is perfection.
Master Shake from Aqua Teen Hunger Force. Sometimes I really just need some escapist humor.
Anne Geddes took this photo of 2 “angels” with Down’s Syndrome. It always makes me smile – such natural beauty.
Barack Obama – makes me hopeful that we can get back to what our country used to stand for.
“V for Vendetta” – one of the best graphic novel movies I’ve ever seen. And the costume is really awesome!
“Punk God” – Billie Joe Armstrong of “Green Day”. My favorite band – I’ve seen them 3 times – can’t get enough!
“Strawberry Fields” in Central Park – I’m desperate to go there. “Imagine all the people living life in peace…”
This jack-o-lantern is glittery but you can’t see it in this photo. I can’t wait till Halloween!
“Note to Self – Just Breathe” – how true this is. There are so many times I lose track of just staying in the moment.
I love Hello Kitty. I do. I know I probably should’ve outgrown it by now, but she’s just so much fun!
Feet on the dashboard, heart-shaped clouds in the sky – road trip! One of my favorite things!
The Hindu holiday of Diwali, the festival of lights, is going on now. Such pageantry and magic – it’s beautiful!
I wish I had a bamboo grove in my yard.
Gerard Way of “My Chemical Romance” – ohmigoodness, so attractive. And I love the band!!!
I’ve always idolized Marilyn Monroe. I feel so sad that the woman is lost to the icon so often.
Rainbows – what could be better? No matter how many times you see one, it’s always magical.
White tigers – another example of the mesmerizing beauty of the natural world.
Eiffel Tower struck by lightning – I have this poster. I don’t know how they captured the photo but it’s amazing!
My Chemical Romance – I’ve also seen them in concert 3 times, and they are fantastic!
This is a photo from a HUGE field of sunflowers near where I live. It is glorious! One of my favorite things in the world.
Lotus blossom – I’m thinking of getting a lotus blossom tattoo. Just not sure where yet.
Gary Oldman as Vlad Tepes – one of my favorite actors in one of my favorite movies. And wow, so sexy!
Pon and Zi – these are made by a young artist named Jeff Thomas. www.ponandzi.com . I love them! J
Evelyn Nesbit – fascinating story of the first “it” girl. The book is “American Eve” by Paula Uruburu – must-read!
Just a gorgeous picture of a Hindu goddess.
A photo of the Statue of Liberty as it was being built in Paris. I think the photo is very powerful.
I’m from Kentucky and very proud of that fact. I haven’t been back in years and I really miss it.
Just a cool picture of a puddle of water with a reflection in it. The color is really dynamic.
“Be gone before somebody drops a house on you, too!” – Is it bad that I always rooted for the Wicked Witch in the Wizard of Oz?
Princess Diana – her legacy lives on through her children, but the world needs more people like her. Rest in peace.
Heath Ledger’s Joker was terrifying and the perfect villain. Such a sad loss, especially for his young daughter.
Putting a face on the various atrocities occurring on the African continent at any one time.
This doorway set in a doorway set in a doorway is vaguely ominous. And it reminds me of dreams I’ve had.
Prairie dogs kissing – at one point I wanted one for a pet. My mom says that people out west consider them pests. J
Just a happy animated photo of a sun, clouds and little critters. Letting my inner child express herself. J
I’m a huge Japanophile (is that what you call it?) My husband’s been there 3 times – I’m so jealous.
Photo of a field and hill in Ireland – I’m desperate to go there some day.
The “I Heart U” photo reminds me of tracing my name in the air with sparklers on July 4th. Happy times.
Red sky with winter trees…summer ends too soon.
Japanese snow monkeys – is there anything cuter? And they’re hugging – it’s a cute overload!
Bikini girl with candies – summer really is gone. I miss it already. L
On tiptoes in a fluttery skirt – the skirt must make you feel like a little girl, twirling in front of a mirror. Happy.
A cupcake with a sugary frosting butterfly – it’s almost too pretty to eat! (But I would.)
Pencil – mine have to be really really sharp, otherwise I don’t even want to use them.





Crayons – oh, looking into a new box of crayons is my idea of perfection. The whole world lays open in front of me.
I still believe in weddings and happily ever after. I know it might be corny, but I think it’s possible.
I love lightning and storms.
I have green eyes. And I’m really glad I do. I think they’re neat.
This is a fence made of crayons. Seriously. A fence made of great big crayons. I’m in heaven!
I have 2 Chinese pugs, and I love them to pieces. Even when they drive me crazy. They’re so full of fun.
Heart-shaped strawberry. How perfect!
“Gone with the Wind” – my favorite movie of all time. I always wanted to be Scarlett O’Hara.
I love butterflies and I love the way this photo is colored. Very striking.
Rainbow umbrella and rainbow shoes…rainbow euphoria *drool*
Has anyone ever seriously finished one of those huge lollipops? They’re so much fun to look at!